So, yesterday over on our Kendall Reviews group Twitter message, we were brainstorming about Christmas content ideas for the blog.

I was bored, in between stuff to do at work, so I jokingly said I’d submit an erotic poem instead of a story. If you know me, I don’t really stop unless told to with ideas I run on with, so no one said otherwise.

So I wrote a 300+ erotic Santa poem on my phone while standing by our one orthotic grinder.

I’m posting it here for two reasons;

1 – I ran a poll on Twitter asking if people would want to read it. An amazing 86% of respondents said – Yes, ya perv – they wanted to read it.

2 – The second is that this gives you the specific choice if you actually want to read it. If you don’t that’s fine – it’s highly inappropriate, juvenile and best left on the wall of a washroom stall at a rest stop. But I didn’t want to share it as a tweet on Twitter and randomly offend someone who was scrolling and came across it.

*I did change a few random words from the original, simply to make it more readable ie matter versus mattered etc. It was written off the cuff so I wasn’t worried about spelling errors etc. Fixed those here as well.

SO YOU’VE BEEN FOREWARNED!

TURN BACK NOW OR FACE CERTAIN DEATH

FOR THE PATH BEFORE YOU… AH HELL, IF YOU DON’T WANT TO READ IT – STOP NOW!

 

Last chance!

Ok – here’s my highly inappropriate Santa Clause erotic porn poem

Enjoy.

XXX-Mas Poem

 

It was the 24^th of December and all was not well

Santa’s candy cane shaft was swollen as hell

Mrs. Clause had him refused any relief

So Santa went searching for an elf under a tree

 

The halls had been decked

The cookies did crumble

When Santa’s sack finally exploded

The entire earth – it did rumble

 

The reindeer waited, nibbling on carrots

Hoping the elf wouldn’t come out and share it

They’d been at the receiving end one too many times

The last, poor Rudolph nearly lost his good eye

 

When Santa returned he had a pep in his step

The elf’s face showed he was out of his depth

But the people of earth all received quite a gift

Cuz instead of semen that poor elf swallowed piss.

So gifts in his bag and the sled onward home

I sat on the couch waiting for Santa’s foam.

 

My mom had just made a Costco trip

An industrial sized vat of lube was top of my list

So towels laid out and my pants ‘round my ankles

I scooped out the goop and prepared to be mangled

 

I heard some noise near the chimney – oh yes,

So I got into position, my ass waiting for the best

Some soot and dust sprinkled the air

As the big man arrived and forcefully took a fistful of hair

 

“On knees, on fours, on Christmas eve,” he shouted

I saw a red hat thrown before me as I was mounted

Then from the stairs there came such a clatter

It was my mother and her friends who did matter

 

They all laughed and giggled at my predicament

You see, from their angle they could view my little friend

 

But before the man could finish and dash off into the night

My brother yelled “got ya!” and turned on the light

It wasn’t no big man delivering the goods

But our dog Brutus all slobbery, howling for food.

END